50 Mistakes Men Make While Having Sex

1. Thinking that we always assume you have a hard on. We know that you can’t flip a switch and get it up just because we say so, but we wish it could. We know it takes a little work, so don’t think we’re so naive.
2. Yah yah we like passionate kisses. Don’t engulf our face with your lips in a fit of passion. We get it, your excited. Just please act a little less like an animal. That is, unless we’re roleplaying.
3. Don’t snooze when we’re all wound up. YOU KNOW we get wound up, it’s not our fault you busted before we did. An eye for an eye. Now get down there. Don’t worry, we’ll tell you what we want and how we want it. We don’t care if you’re tired.
4. WE DO expect you to cuddle, get over it. Just wait till we pass out and you can roll over and do whatever you want. At least try to throw an arm over us, it’s comforting.
5. You think we want to fall asleep in your arms? That shit IS uncomfortable after awhile. Let us snuggle up next to you, and don’t put your arm out unless you want us to fall asleep there. Your fault if you do it, we think you want us to.
6. We don’t always expect roses and candles all the time. Same as we don’t make fucking dinner every night for you to come home to. Girls like a little bit of a bad guy…not Romeo every day. Get over yourselves, we’re not the ladiesin the movies, we don’t want rose petals and bath water running every night after work. We’re just saying a little romance is always fun.
7. We read Cosmo. Get over it. We don’t knock your sports illustrated.
8. We do not use Cosmo as a sex bible. It’s funny to read about other women’s mistakes in bed. Again, we read it. Get over it. Obviously if you’re with a woman and during sex she whips out Cosmo for help, you clearly need to find a new sex partner.
9. Don’t fucking touch our heads during a blowjob. We don’t give a fuck why your pushing it or how hard. Keep your hands off of the head, unless you’re holding up our hair. If she isn’t doing it right, speak up. What if you were down on us and we grabbed you by the hair and shoved your face into our fucking vagina? You would suffocate. Same as we choke. There are other clues, buddy.
10. Missonary is boring. Don’t be afraid to rip us up and flip us over. We want to be handeled rough, but we just think you’re having a great time doing what you’re doing so we don’t stop you.
11. We don’t expect you guys to undress yourself with any amount of grace. Just take off your fucking clothes. We’ll help, don’t worry. It just looks funny when your shirts stuck on your head. We laugh and think maybe you’re not used to undressing often…hmm
12. If you want sex spontaneously, then get over the hairy legs. We don’t shave them everyday. We need some warning. You want pussy? Get over it then, cheif.
13. Most of us trim or shave down there. If not, your shit outta luck buddy. But like with 12, any woman needs a little warning, or you’re gonna have to be a trooper with stubbles.
14. We do NOT assume sex means realtionship unless you do something romantic during. This includes any caressing of the face, or kisses on the forehead, or extreme cuddling. Be careful. We mix signals, but it’s your fault.
15. Sometimes we may withhold oral sex just because we’re on the rag. We want you to suffer too. If you’re a good guy though, chances are, we’ll get out our kneepads and go to town, assuming that when we’re off, you’ll repay the favor. Just don’t ask for a blowjob like an asshole while we have cramps and PMS. That’s where you go wronggggg.
16. We’ll tell you what we like. “OUCH” with a smile is, “ouch, but I like it.” Moaning is good. Open your fucking ears guys. Obviously any noises are good. It’s not that difficult.
17. You have a penis, we expect you have condoms. Most woman have them, but they get destoryed in our huge purses. Technically, we should each have one. If we’re fucking at YOUR house, you should have them andddd vice versa.
18. We aren’t offended when you call us your dirty little slut. It’s HOW you say it. We don’t like dirty talk as much as you say.You kinda look like a creep, really. “Who’s your daddy?” We don’t want to picture our dad fucking us. Get out of here. Pick & choose words carefully.
19. Sex OUTSIDE of the bedroom is fun. If you’re fucking someone who won’t do it in crazy places, then where the hell are you finding these people?
20. We love it half clothed against the wall. We just have to start with the “no, come on…we shouldn’t, not here.” Just start taking off our clothes, we’re game. Granted in 20 min we might not get off, but you can leave and go to work and we’ll finish. We don’t mind starting off your day right, just be ready when you get home. A quickie doesn’t make you clear for the day, fucker.
21. The ass and the vagina are two different things. No means no. Giggles or no giggles, it is not an invitation unless she says yes. If you’re gonna pull that shit, don’t be surprised when our fingers ACCIDENTALLY go in your ass. Come on now.
22. Bras are hard, yah, but get over it. Learn the art. 2 clips, 3 at the most. We can un-do your belt in the heat of the moment, one handed. Step it up. If we see you struggling, we’ll help, but at least try.
23. We’ll get more comfortables with our bodies during sex. Before, sometimes we’re a little shy, especially if we haven’t had time to shave our legs. Just start to fuck, you can see the goods during.
24. We’ll get on top, just tell us. Give us some signals when we’re on there that you like it. A girl’s gotta know.
25. If we get that bored look on our face, it means to bust already, damnit. We aren’t trying to do the look, it just happenes. Man, vaginas get sore after rough sex.
26. We ride you, you touch us. Hello, our tits are right there. Show some love. We’re having too much fun on top to touch ourselves.
27. Chances are most woman won’t gently take your hand and show you how we like it. This isn’t a porno. You’re probably doing okay. And for goodness sakes, cut those fucking fingernails.
28. Sometimes we get into bed, get naked, fool around and then decide that we just want to cuddle. Yah, we got you naked in your bed, but somewhere along the line, you said something wrong or messed up. If you had good game, this wouldn’t happen. Sorry.
29. Not calling shots. Be a man. Yah you expect us to say all this crazy and dirty shit, but we’d rather, really, take a few orders from you.
30. If we feel like it, we’ll crawl across the bed to you on all fours, push you down and crawl on top, don’t worry. Don’t ask us to.
31. Woman have other things that liked to be licked and touches besides our cunt and tits. Move around, use those big man hands of yours, too.
32. Balls are weird. If you’re with a girl who knows what she’s doing, she’ll play with them though. Seriously, we know that they are there. Don’t think we’re gonna have a field day with them, though.
33. Get us off. Finish the job. You started, now finish.
34. Titty fucking sucks for us. If we’re in a good mood, we’ll do it, and enjoy the view of you. Just don’t make it a habitual thing.
35. Doing it against the wall gives us a bruise on our shoulder, yah, and we look at it later and giggle at the memory. So don’t be mad when we bite you for shoving us against the corner of the table, for example. Double standard.
36. Making love and having sex are two different things, so I’m not even gonna go there.
37. Sex is funny. Actually it’s hilarious. Somewhere along the line, someone is going to fall off of a bed, hit their head on a lighting fixture, accidentally kick a midget or trip over a goat. It’s how you deal with it that really matters. We’re gonna laugh if something tickles, or if the condom shoots off. It’s akward, it’s funny. Relax.
38. Yah you can bring up the 3some deal…just don’t ask with our cousin or best friend. Like really, it looks like you just an excuse to fuck one of our girls. Fix your approach, Mr. Charming.
39. Sometimes we’re gonna stop a blowjob and go grab a water. Play with yourself. We’ll be back. Don’t get mad, it’s for the sake of the cotton mouth we have aquired.
40. Nails. Already brought up. We won’t snag your goods with ours, if you don’t rip the inside of our vagina with yours.
41. We don’t bitch when we get jizz on us. Just gives a fucking warning. Jizz in the hair after a quickie on your way out of the house is a good reason to get mad. Speak out killer, we’ll embrace it if it’s appropriate. Yayayaa protein and all that shit, we know, shut up. It’s messy.
42. Boys, make noises. If we know you like something, not only will we keep doing it, but we’re turned on knowing you’re turned on.
43. Faking orgasms. Sometimes we want it over with. Sometimes we just won’t orgasm. We don’t want to crush your ego.
44. If you’ve played a sport/sweaty, your fucking balls smell. Sorry, they do. Wash yourself. Shit, let’s both take a shower. Just don’t come home from baseball practice and demand a blowjob.
45. We know “just the tip”. If we say we’ll play, that means we know we’re fucking. We aren’t that stupid. You aren’t that smart. Get the hint.
46. Sometimes we don’t want to use oils/whipped cream/other messy but fun things not because of our Egyptian cotton sheets, just because we don’t want to. It’s fun, but it’s not all it’s cracked out to be, although we’re sure you have a blast.
47. Take off your pants. Take off your boxers. We want to see your good looking body. There is nothing more degrading to a woman than getting fucked by a guy with his cock through his fucking boxers. What are you afraid to show? Is one ball bigger than the other? Come on.
48. If your jizz is all over our pillows, don’t get mad when we throw them in the wash. We just don’t want to sleep in a pillow full of jizz, sorry. Most likely we’ll wait till the morning, unless you’ve really made a mess. Girls like things clean.
49. We think it’s crazy if you get soft. TELL US what to do to help, cause we think it’s our fault, which leads to the roll over and the “forget it”. We wanna know why it happenes, cause hey, it never happens to us. Elaborate a little. We’ll do our best to get you going. This is a team effort after all.
50. Let us know how it was afterwards, then you can piss and pass out. That’s all we want to talk about, trust us.
That is all.

This entry was posted in Thought Tank. Bookmark the permalink.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s