Man, I tried.

So that double edge sword came  again, and I'm like damn. Why is it
that no matter what it is, when I do it, I'm wrong. She's always saying
"you do it more. When I do it…..," but how is that even an issue when
the sentence that says I'm (more)wrong (than you) starts with "When I do
it"? Is that not the most hypocritical shit ever? So what if I do it
more, its not just me. WE do it. But even that was forgivable. That's
some shit that's part of her personality. Some shit I've grown to work
with, and try to show her when it comes . Try to teach her, "hey, you
can't be like that, cause it makes no sense."

But you know what she says? She says I hit her. I'm sitting in a chair,
she's in my face, and I move her out of my face. She came full force at
me, and hit me. I didn't even lose my cool then. I got , ALMOST took
a swing, but regained my composure. That hand that almost struck turned
into a finger that pointed to the door, accompanied by, "leave, before I
fuck you up and lose my cool."

Even in the event that I was moving my arm faster than I wanted to,
there is no way you could it a hit. But she's insisting that it was.
After what we've been thru, for her to even say that shit is a slap in
the face.
I mean, really, me hitting her would equal a lot of shit that didn't
occur. I mean, not only am I a nigga of consideral strength (like most
niggas), but that means I had the 1st blow. If any nigga loses his cool
enough for a 1st blow, there will usually be more, right? Especially if
they get hit full force afterwards. The other thing is that I didn't
even put my guard up. Who would hit someone and NOT put up a gaurd? I'll
have to admit that she can hit hard, and it suprised me. With a blind
shot like that, I can't front, I could have gotten knocked out. Its
jerked my head, and sent it into the wall. I'm mean, shit. But even
after that, I didn't hit her back. She's put hand on me before and I've
kept my cool. I made her promise not to do that again, cause I don't
wanna be that nigga that loses it, and strikes a ♀ that he's supposed
to love. I don't wanna be like my father. That's my biggest fear.

Last thing is, as well as she knows me, and as long as she's been with
me, and as many times as I've said it as plainly as I typed here that I
don't wanna even be forced into a corner like that, or that a
relationship should never involve that shit; and just knowing that I
try(and have been consistant to my knowledge thus far) to keep my word,
even if its on some shit I don't want or agree with, how could you even
insist that I hit you?

Something I don't stand for.

Shit, if you said you'd never kill someone. And you kept getting into
fights, and did everything in your power to stick by that moral, and
someone keeps insisting that you did…..and they are supposed to be
extra close to you, what would that say to you? Wouldn't it be on some
"how well do you even know me? You know me? Ok, why don't you believe I
can do what I say?"

Man, I tried. But I can't do it anymore. I was contemplating taking a
long break(even though she hates breaks). Have some me time. A month,
maybe. I have a feeling she'll read this eventually, so I'll direct this
to you. I was not even tinking about a breaking , I was just gunna
take time out to myself to see how to resolve what we had. Give us some
time apart so something could happen, so we culd have something to say
to each other, and get rid of the stale air. I was contemplating how to
make sure we can stick it out without all this arguement shit. Work on
my shit. I feel I'm a great bf, but who doesn't. I was gunna chec
myself, and view or compatibility, and talk to you about it after I felt
I did what I needed to do. Yes, the longevity of our relationship came
to mind, but no, it wasn't on some shit like "I think I wanna break it
off….let me look for someone on the sly, let me convince myself to be
with you, etc. But yes, had I taken a long look, and thought about it, and
saw that there wasn't a way for us to continue on a healthy tip, I would
have broken it off, but then again, I would have done that at any time,
anyway.
So I'll leave it at, "there isn't a change that is drastic enough that
you can make that will be healthy, I don't think. I think one or both of
us have some growning  to do, and I doubt that it will happen while
we are together. You don't believe in 'breaks,' so there's no way for us
to grow, and (if its healthy) find our ways back to each other."

Deuces, yall
Until next post

I don't have friends and foes
I have family and enimies
itsNobi
K.O.R.T.
-4-
Life

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