Wanna hear(read) the latest in what I "did wrong"? I'm at work, unloading the van, and by haphazard, I leave the door open. I (left) the van with two people there, so of course, since I happened to leave a door open to unpack, the least they could do is close a door. (F.Y.I. Its one of those vans with the little buttons that automatically closes and opens the door.) So, my chick(for whom I got the job) pushes the button to close the door, and breaks her nail. She blames me. I'm more that 100 feet away, and she blames. I told her before that she always blames someone for her problems(esp. me), but this one takes the cake. Its my fault HER nail broke while SHE was pushing a button to close a door, while I wasn't even visible. That says that its just cause its "my" door. Lets extrapolate, here. Had it been anyone else's door, it would have been their fault. And if it were her door? I'm sure so would have found someway to say it was someone else's fault. It just hurts that she's so quick to do me dirty. She'll: let me (down), lie to me(about even the most trivial shit), do underhanded shit, do shady shit, put me in bad situations, and blame me for her problems; and at the same time she wouldn't take any of that from me. She wouldn't do for me what I'd do for her. Its not 50/50. She wants me around, and she's gunna change her ways for me, for the better, but I don't see it. I used to see change, but not anymore. She doesn't care. She proves how much she cares evertime she does some shit like that. The funny thing is, I haven't spoken to this girl in almost a week, and haven't seen her(aside from work) in more than a month and a ½. I spoke to her last, asking why she does this shit to me so much. No answer. I (left) it to her to give me answer when she's ready, but the first thing she says to me is, its my fault she broke her nail. How does that even sound, given the situation. "Its your fault I broke my nail." I can understand, "Its your fault, YOU broke my nail," but I didn't do anything. I didn't even ask her to close my door.
So I'm always wrong, and always to blame, no matter the situation. And even now, she was just reaching for a reason. She always has to be pissed about something, or blaming someone for something. She can never own (up) to shit. Somehow, someway, in some aspect(even if its a "special situation" that applies only this time–cause its her situation), its never her fault. We could both be in the same trivial situation, or she'll explain to me, how someone did something wrong, and how she handled it. I'll say shrug it off, or explain how there should be a common ground, or how she was wrong, and NOPE!!! She's (right). I would have been handling it wrong. Or I wasn't there. Even with shit that doesn't involve her, how she sees it is "correct", even when the whole world disagrees. She looks to me to agree, or approve, or give her added justification about why she's (right), or less wrong, and its to no avail(unless she's actually in the right, by social standards).I'd continue to talk to her, but what's the point? She's too hard headed, and narrow minded to even continue the conversation past the 1st sentence. If she can't see why, or understand why what she did was wrong, or understand why it upset someone there isn't anywhere to go with the conversation. Cause even if she thinks she correct, and there is no changing her mind(as many people are), there is understanding that conflict arises when you do whatever the said action is, even though you're "right"(note the quotation marks), conflict shouldn't be a main objective of everyday life. Pick you battles. Let shit slide. Prime example, when she says she's gunna do something and just doesn't. I let it slide. Yeah, I tell her, "you let me , why can't you do what you say you're gunna do? This makes me not wanna trust you, or take you at your word." But I let it slide. I assume the message has been received, and go on to give her an umphteenth chance, just to be "suprised" by another let (down)….(until maybe now). But really I'm not out to have stress and conflict, but that doesn't stop me from being blamed for shit, and labled the "cause." That's such a shame. She doesn't even know what she's doing. And when its too late, she'll just blame me for consequences, I bet.
Man, I just don't get it. But I try. I'm walking that thin line, (right) now.
And, by far, the funniest, most interesting thing to me, is my thought process. Love is defined as”willing nothing but good to something or someone.” And that’s really how I think. Cause had she not come to me blaming me for some shit that wasn’t under my control, I would have gladly offered to pay for it(I’ve done it before). But no, she doesn’t deserve it, so I said to myself, “too bad. She’ll have to learn. But honestly, I swear to everything I love, I really considered doing it anyway. It is such an issue for me to see my gf, the woman I love, and hold so dearly in a bad situation(no matter the cause), that I am willing to look past all the bullshit she puts me thru, and all the shit she said, and how she acts to me(and to others, mind you) that I would have done good for her anyway, like she really deserved it(I’ve don’t it before). Shit, when I’m enraged with her, and cries because of it, or if something happens, I’m still her shoulder; her pillar.
**I didn’t do it for her this time, and its hard to see her somewhere she doesn’t wanna be.**
I’ll put all my shit on hold for this girl, and even though she MIGHT appreciate at that moment, its not something she thinks about it(if she does, its probably in a way like, “this niggas does whatever I need/want, I don’t want to lose it”…..but in that selfish way. Atleast that’s how it appears). Its not something she recipricates. And I see it, but I still do it. I feel we are to be there for each other thru thick and thin, and (right) now, she’s giving the thinnest of thin.
But noone want to be treated like shit……or scapegoat…….or like a doormat.
I can see it now, “Alesia, why’d you cut all your nails off?”
“Omari broke one of my nails, and I can’t get it fixed, so I’ll wait till I have the money to get them all done.”
(**sigh**)I’m done here. I’ll write when something else happens. I need to get some Shout for these foot prints……^_^
I don't have friends and foes
I have family and enemies