So I originally came up with that title as a IM status message, cause i felt like i didnt exist to those that mattered most to me. had i known i could have felt worse, i would have told my creativity(atleast i think its creative) to hold that thought.
as a disclaimer: AAG, i was hesitant on even posting something like this to my blog cause i know youll probably end up reading it, but as i toss and turn in the middle of the night, i realized that you had forever to read something else and prove you actually gave a shit about me and my thoughts. if you didnt respond then, i wouldnt expect you to respond now.
so im a sucker for love, i suppose. well, thats what some people would say. i say im human. any person who can say they dont want love is in denial, and has some serious complex. in the 2 hours of actual sleep i got so far, i dreamed that i gave her her stuff, and she wouldnt let me leave. she wouldnt let me leave until she proved to me that “gave a shit,” or that i mattered. then we made up with passionate kisses, and hugs, and “i love yous.” and that seems like a stretch, given the situation, and given her pride. cause in the event that she feels like im wrong, she’ll never say it. she’ll probably “charge it to the game.” and even though id wanna crawl to her, and hold her, i wont allow myself to force myself on someone who doesnt show me they want me, respect me, or respect my thoughts.
so after waking up a i realized that i soaked my pillows. i didnt ball(atleast not yet), but that familiar feeling is back. that feeling that i want to; that i need to ball for hours, but it hurts too much to. the feeling i used to have when id think about how i wanted my father figure to be my father. it was the same time that id sit (alone, because i didnt want anyone to know) and cry. the funniest part is that, i never felt it coming. i could be sitting with people, and all of a sudden my eyes would flood, and a tear or two would roll down my cheek. id give the faux yawn, to give an excuse, and then go about my day, waiting for it to happen again. what im saying is, most of the actual crying i did, started before id realize, and i stll have yet to get the bulk of it out.
my mind keeps going back to “us.” and its weird, cause my mind is comparing what “us” is supposed to mean, to what “us” actually was, to what i wanted “us” to be. and everytime my mind goes there, im left with the same reults: “i love yous” that were never said, “i love yous” she’ll/i’ll never hear, songs i wrote for her that she never knew existed, perfume that ill never smell. all the shit i missed. i tried to shower her with love. shes one of the main 2 reasons id say “i love you” to those i loved EVERYDAY. cause i was so happy to have someone who made me so happy, and wanted her to know it. i wanted to make sure she knew it didnt change. thick and thin, and all that shit, id manage to squeeze one out…..until this week. i got so god damn caught up in not wanting to force her to listen to why im upset, that i didnt even say it. instead of saying “hi” and “bye” i should have said “i love you.” that doesnt say much for her, though, cause i came to find out that she wasnt even “upset.” but she didnt say it to me either. and coming to that realization right now, as im typing, hurts. how long didnt she give a fuck?
im pissed off, hurt, sad,….my brain cant manage to stay in one emotion right now. i feel like i just got stabbed in the heart, and it was my brother that did it. you know you can read signs all day, but you wont accept them. i could see a mile away that this would happen. all the signs were there, and now that im supposed to be adult about it, i cant be. all i can do is cry, and be pissed. this wasnt “supposed” to happen, is most of my thoughts. we were supposed to stay together, and work shit out, not matter what. we promised each other that. i give an ultimatum, and boom, there it is. the absence of an answer suprised me, because that said it was over. i try to make sure thats the message(or lack there of) is what im supposed to get, and i get nothing. even up till now i was checking my voicemail and email waiting to see a message. anything thing. 1 word. something to say “youre wrong.” nothing.
i put so much into this……..i dont want to try again with someone else. id rather be alone. i told myself a long time ago: “if this fails, im not setting myself up for failure again.” i told her: “if we break up, i wont want to be a burden to you. ill just disappear.” yeah, we work together, but i dont have to see her. its as simple as a request, and new job, later. shes as soft as i am inside, so if even a part of her cares, she’ll shed a tear. and thats me being a burden.
even now, i still love her like the day i first said it, so i cant allow myself to do anything else to hurt her. i want her happy above all else(cliche, right?). so what if it sounds funny style, thats what love is. and because i still love her, i want her to have whatever makes her happiest. so even outside a relationship, ill push to make it happen, like when i was inside.
“never make some a priority when they only make you an option” was always an interesting status message for me to read, when i constantly felt like only an option to you.
before i fell asleep, i kept asking myself, how i could type all that shit to let her know im hurting, and that i feel like im not being paid attention to, and i want answers, and she does EXACTLY what i said she does to hurt me(what i just typed), after “reading the message.” the message even ends with a question, and she cant even recall a question to answer. its like “you really wanna show me you dont give a fuck, huh?” for what? unless you really and truly dont give a fuck, why you would you want to PROVE it to me, so blatantly? why? that shit is so mean spirited. i mean, it wasnt needed. if you really didnt give a fuck, just say “i didnt read the message. i dont love you anymore.” yeah, that would hurt, but atleast you wouldnt be PROVING anything, ya dig? like if you hate me, just say you hate me. thats enough. you dont have to go on a tyrant, and destroy shit, and assault me, ya dig? just get to the point.
sigh….i luv u….have a happy life without me.