I’m so tired of trying.

Have you ever just tried? I mean, only tried. Like, you never obtain what you’re trying to get, so you keep trying. You never ‘really’ fail, cause you never gave (up). You just try. Every time you look at what you’ve accomplished, its nothing, except being able to try again.

That shit is hard. Its hard as fuck. Cause the easiest thing to do would be to try and fail and quit. Second would be to try and accomplish. The hardest thing to do is have an indomitable spirit, and be in that void between accomplishment and failure.

-I’m there-

Its mostly with people, but its still all encompassing. Like, niggas are always talking to me about my attitude, and I’m so sick of it. Like, 2007 came and my nigga and I said, “lets fall back. Lets not step on any toes, and get this good karma. Lets not be one of these ignorant niggas that’s dead in the street for bullshit. Lets be nice. Lets perpetuate something better. Lets not be the 2006 (and below) versions of ourselves.” And I’ve done that. The problem is that, all these motherfuckers don’t know me from 2006. Shit, even then I calmed (down). They don’t know the ’05 or ’04 me either. They won’t believe it if I tell them. All they know is the (relatively) calm me now. I’ve focused a lot of my animosity in a different direction. Its seldom directly at someone via my fist. It might be a letter or verbally. And even then, I try to watch what I say. I lose my cool, but I try. I lose my cool, but I try to think. But niggas never see that shit. They can only call out bad shit. Niggas won’t take a walk in my maccosins(so what? sound that shit out).

I mean, even now, I try to do the “grown (up)” thing, and resolve
shit by talking. But when I do, niggas provoke me. Then get mad when I lose my cool. Niggas can’t face shit head on. They always gotta tip toe around the problem, or ignore it, or say “its not an issue”, or dismiss it with “whatever,” or say “its not your fault; its them,” but steady be pissed at me even though I’m trying to talk on it. Then talk shit behind my back. Where’s the respect? I try to do (right). Shit, fuck that. I DO do (right). I constantly do (right). But then niggas provoke me, and call me out for the wrong i do when I lose my cool. I’m wrong for not being the bigger person. Well, people have fucking limits, and niggas love to push people to them, and blame you for what you do, esp. when they know EXACTLY how to push those buttons.

Shit, they see shit as a weakness, then try to exploit it. “He didn’t do shit, or say to much when I tried him, so fuck it, he won’t. He’s pussy, he’s soft. All he did was get frustrated, shut (up) and walk away.”
“He ain’t even say shit, I shut him (down).” That’s how Columbine, V Tech and all that other shit happened. People forget, until it happens again. People don’t understand cause they don’t go thru it. The never think that it might be better to take shit in stride, and keep cool, than to run your fucking mouth, or kick a nigga while he’s (down).
They never wanna pick a battle, they wanna participate in wars. They never want karma to come back in their favors. They never wanna help a nigga. They’re the same niggas you see shot first when niggas pull out. The ones who pick their battles, have karma in their favor. The shooter says “meet me at the café at 3,” but the shooter goes to the school to unload instead. Or they get stuck in traffic and are late for class. Yeah, they thought they had bad karma, but it was a blessing.

Yeah, I try to be optimistic about shit, but its hard. Niggas who’ve known me knew I never liked stress, and I try not to dwell on shit. Want the run (down)? My cousin fucked himself (up), and we all laughed about it. Why? Cause he’s still alive. Cause he didn’t lose his arm. And if he had, we would have found a way to laugh at that, too. And we laughed with him, not at him. You gotta laugh now, cause you don’t have long. But niggas don’t see shit that way. They dwell on the smallest shit, then push you into it, and get mad at you for reacting. Shit, I get bummed, too. I dwell on small shit, but I try not to do shit that won’t help the situation. Other people don’t.

I don’t even know why I write to my blog. I mean, it feels good to vent, but this is almost, me talking behind people’s back, (right)? NOPE!! My shit is an open book, people just refuse to read it. No one gives a fuck about what I say, or what I think. No one but me. Shit, I had a counter on here, and there was only one person that made the counter count besides me. Shit, you wanna see how much my thoughts matters? The only person besides me who reads my blog admitted that they read it ONLY when they know I’m writing about them. I rest my case.

I’m kinda clingy. I peeped, though. Like, I try not hawk on the phone, but I do sometimes. Shit, I see what I feel, and feel what I see. Meaning what? If I don’t call some people we won’t talk. I’ll get shit like, “I’ll call you in an hour,” and I’m good enough to wait that hour. Shit, I’m good enough to wait dumb longer than that. And then we dont talk till the next day. I got people who I ask to hit me (up), and they dont. I’m just tired of everything being important to me, and only me. When I try to say that it is, I get flack for it. But let something be important to the other person, and I forget; all fucking hell breaks loose. I mean, damn, I am the only one who cares and SHOWS that they do? I dont front, but mad niggas round me do. I mean, lets give you mofo’s the benefit of the doubt (I’m about to stop doing that shit, too), and say you guys think you’re showing you care, am I really wrong for letting you know i dont see it, or feel it? Atleast I’m talking, and trying to resolve, instead of just acting on it. I’m trying to give niggas chances. Wild.

Fuck it. Maybe you don’t hit me, cause you know I’ll hit you. You know what I think? I think you people just don’t wanna talk. So you know what? Fine. I’m taking shit mad literal. You wanna call me back? Call me back, cause you won’t hear from me until you do, unless its an emergency, or I HAVE to tell you something, then I’m keeping it brief. You say you wanna see me? Schedule a time, and be on time. Ifnot, catch me on the street. I’m sick of waiting on motherfuckers to do what they say. Meet me at 3? Fine. @ 3:01….naw, @ 3:00:01 I’m gone, and I’m pissed, unless YOU call ME and tell me why I shouldn’t be out, and why I shouldn’t be mad.

My pet peeves are wasting time, money and effort, and I’ve been doing that a lot with a lot of you mofo’s. Why? Cause I’m supposed to be nice now. I’m appeasing you. But NOBODY appeases me. No one meets me ½ way. I scratch a shit load of backs, but mine STILL ITCHES. I don’t wanna sound like I expect shit in return for what I do, but no one goes out their way for me, and when it is a give-take thing, I never get my shit back. Since I let it slide, and say “I’ll let karma kill you” they take me as weak. Before, I knock your head off your shoulders, and say we’re even. I’m trying to turn cheeks on my MKL jr. shit, but I’m feeling like Malcolm. I’m about to revert to my old shit, but with a new twist.

People would treat me like shit, and I’d treat you how I want you to treat me. Now, more than ever, I’m treating niggas how they treat me, period.

I carry the weight for a lot of people, and I carry it well. I put a lot of people’s needs (and yes, even their WANTS) before mine. Niggas take advantage. That’s fine. I’m cool with that. I can’t name a single person who hasn’t “taken advantage.” That’s how you make it somewhere. You “taken advantage” of an opportunity; you “taken advantage” of someones aide, etc. But people often “take for granted,” when it comes to me. They “take for granted” that I was “nice enough” to keep my cool; they “take for granted” that I “just” accept abuse; they “take for granted” that I’ll help a nigga who cant help himself; they “take for granted” that when I’m a friend to you, you won’t fail alone; they “take for granted” that I can do what better than anyone else they know; they take me for granted, period. Everyone I know is pretty guilty of it. And its multiple counts. I mean, try to take care of your shit, and I’ll have your back, to pick (up) the pieces. Make an effort, and I’ll give what you can’t. Even though you know I can do it, make me the last call on your list. I’m not here to baby sit, I’m here to help. And then, make sure you do call me for help. I don’t want to be looked at as your subservient friend, I wanna be your help. I look at it like this: if you make me the 1st call BEFORE you even try, you’re taking, FOR GRANTED, me and my ability. If I’m the 1st(or last) call AFTER you’ve tried, you’re taking ADVANTAGE of me and my abilities. The sad thing is, that the second I stop myself from being used, I’ll be alone. But now, I’m starting not to give a fuck, cause I’m already lonely. What difference will it make?

I’m sick of niggas being offended over dumb shit. I mean, I know you’ll be offended. Everyone will be, but there is never a common ground. I mean, I don’t toe step on purpose. If I have something to say, I say it. I don’t believe in that P.C. shit, but I won’t just wantonly offend, where it can be helped. I try to let people know where I stand. I’ll say, “I don’t like dude.” Then I’ll say why, so there isn’t an argument. But its never enough. People (esp in GA) want you to sugar coat shit, and never direct. I don’t get (down) like that. That’s sneaky and underhanded. Also, why can’t I say something to someone, with their best interest in mind? Like, fuck if its something you don’t wanna hear, it needs to be said. Noone else will say it. I’m the voice of reason. I’m the only one with courage enough, and respect enough to let you know. And I won’t care that you’re mad then, just be grown (up) enough, later, to say “Thanks. I appreciate you looking out for me.” “Hey, if you go in there upset, you’ll get yourself in more trouble than its worth” “Thanks. I appreciate you looking out for me.” “Hey, unless you want horrible paparazzi pix, you might wanna change.” “Thanks. I appreciate you looking out for me.” “This isn’t the correct decision. I’d rethink it, or I’d do this if I were you.” “Thanks. I appreciate you looking out for me.”And if a person doesn’t like me, I wanna know why. If its something that can be resolved, I’d rather resolve it, than make a new enemy. But niggas always wanna make more enemies. They never wanna be adult and squash it. They always wanna act in a way to make shit worse….NEVER better. And I’m sick of mofo’s with that mentality. Get from round me.

I’m sick of venting, and having people come at me for what I said, or how I feel, if its not gunna change shit for the better. Just take it in stride, and take it for what it is, and leave me the fuck alone.

I only know 3 people who, without hesitation, would say they would die for me. And I’d do the same. They know the type of love I have, and they know the type of person I am. They know my loyalty. They know what I say is golden. Other people wanna act like they know me, but when I ask, they hesitate, or they think something different. I peeped niggas never wanna take me at my word. Shit, if I love you, you’ll know it. I wouldn’t even be able to do you dirty and feel good about it. I’d tell you WAY before you’d find out. But nobody believes. Shit, people don’t even know if they take me seriously. I ask a lot of people how they feel about me, and they never can say. They can’t say shit. And those are the same people who want me to ride or die for them. SERIOUSLY? Fuck that. I’m a loving person, really. I show people a lot more love than they show me, or are willing to, or can. But I never get shit in return. Nigga’ll call me with hands open, asking. But when my hands are open, they stay empty.

-SMH-

Always on people’s back burners, when they are on my front. I’m tired of requesting shit, and it only making me feel stupid. I’m sick of having fake niggas round me and mine. Like, I don’t even know why I have a friends list anymore, on anything. I don’t talk to most yall niggas, cause you’re fake, or not interested in me. I erased my yahoo list, and my aim list (with the exception of like 3 people each). I was FORCED to revamp my myspace favorites. I come to find out, no matter who I put as my number 1, I’m not even in their list, or their number 1. The only person I want in my list, doesn’t want me in there’s. I could only imagine who their number one is. And if order matters, its prolly some nigga that would have me pissed if I found out. I wanna make friends, but the people I’m interested in knowing don’t care to make friends. Or fake their way thru relationships. My people who are supposed to be my friends, apparently aren’t. They leave for college, and its “out of sight, out of mind.” Have “friends” who move to the other side of the fucking country, and don’t even say shit to me. Where’s the respect? Niggas don’t give a fuck about me, my thoughts, or what I do or say. But my heart, which is on my sleeve, apparently, won’t allow me to not care about shit.

What’s funny styles is, I crave attention/affection. Like, I don’t do shit to get attention/affection, but I love to have good attention/affection on me. The most I’ll do for attention/affection is perform at a show. But I only love attention/affection cause I’ve been so deprived of it. No one was really round when I was young. My sis was so far ahead of me, that I was (left) to my own shit, early. People around me, seem to have had too much attention. I guess they pick who’s attention/affection they want. I’m always showing people I care, but….I don’t get it back. And I don’t get why I don’t get it back. I’m starting to feel that people are a lost cause, all together. I’m sick of trying to be on people’s good side. Others can be won over, but for those that can’t, fuck you.

I value shit other people don’t, and hold things to a higher value than others. And if you can’t understand, there’s no point in me even knowing you.

I’ve felt this way for a while. And two power quotes came from it. But noone cares about it, they don’t realize how powerful the quotes are. Well, atleast they are to me.

1

“It amazes me how often one can ‘do right’ for so many people, and be ‘done dirty’ for no reason; taken for granted by those whom take without wanting to give, because they know that for some, “friendship” is more than a noun with lame connotations” -Nobi

And 2

“I’m tired of only “trying.” I Need more Success, or more Failure. I cant stand the limbo that is “infinitely trying.” At this point, I’d have to try to try” -Nobi

-Apparently, I’m just not emotional built for this shit-

I don’t have friends and foes
I have family and enemies
itsNobi
K.O.R.T.
-4-
Life

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