Passion….and some other shit….


I’ve been meaning to add something to my blog for a couple of days. And
each day it was something different, so I’m combining my thoughts. They
were kinda related, anyway

I feel that my life lacks passion. Well, I don’t lack it, but I don’t
get passion from others. I’ll love passionately, argue passionately,
have passionate sex, passionately touch, etc. I don’t feel passion
coming in from any direct. No passionate friends, or anything. Shit, I
don’t even feel passionately about ♪ like I used to. It doesn’t
appreciate me like I appreciate it. That’s seems to be the story of my
life, ? They don’t _____ me like I _____ them. Why is that? Am I too
needy? No(generally). I need just enough. I see that “needy-line,” and
its in front, not behind. Its in the distance. The fact is that I
apparently haven’t found people who compliment me. I need people who’ll
give me what I’m in need of, and to whom I give what they are in need
of. I live off passion. I dream about how I want to express it, how it
should be expressed, and how I would if given the chance. I see sex, not
as the fun act it is, but as my physical expression of love(when the
time is ). Its not about getting that nut, or giving that nut, per
se. For instance, I just want you(of course I’m referring to my chick,
but for the sake of typing, I’ll type “you.” I’ll be talking to her,
basically) to know that love can barely be expressed as words, so
physically, it must be harder, but I’ll try.

I wanna penetrate in the best way. I wanna rub your body how I know and
how I learned that you wanna be rubbed. I wanna touch you where I know
you enjoy to be touched, cause I know it makes you feel good. I wanna use
my tongue as long as you want it, because I know you love it when I do.
I wanna give it to you EXACTLY how you want it, cause I know it will
make you feel special. I wanna take the time to find out something new
about your body, so you know I’m doing it for you, and only you. I want
you to know that this is the physical representation of the bond that
only you and I share. I want to hold you, and hug you, and kiss you, and
squeeze you, so you know that I’m doing everything I can think of to
show my affection. I wanna tell you that I love you while I love you, so
you have no doubts at all about how I feel. Still not enough passion. I
want you to cry. Not cause the dick is that good, but because me
physically loving you is that good. Because the sentiment is that
powerful. Because “he loves me that much.” And I want you know that
care. Because, when I see that 1st tear, and hear you sob, I’m gunna
stop to make sure you’re ok. Cause I will never wanna hurt you. And the
second you tell me you’re fine, I’ll give you move love. Fast and slow.
Not matter what, I’ll take my time to make sure you’re happy. In return,
I want the same passion back. That’s the passion I miss. The passion I
love. The passion that once was.

Sex isn’t all. I wanna experience that same closeness, and the same
touch. No penetration needed. Just holding. Maybe kissing. But just
being in each other’s space. Create a union. Consolidation of mind, body
and soul. Lets cuddle at night, in bed. Lets cuddle on the sofa and
watch a movie. Let nap during the day. Put your head on my chest. Lets
just chill. Let me lay on your lap, or sit on the couch and I’ll be on
the floor in between your legs. Touch me, and show me you care. Rub my
scalp, flip my dreads. Kiss my neck. Rub my back. Poke me. Hold my hand
when we walk. Kiss me in public. Lets she the world that we love each
other. I have nothing to hide. It feels good when I hear a stranger say
“you two are in love aren’t you?” Dry my tears when I cry. My tears are
only visible to you. In return, I want the same passion back, and will
give you the same. That’s the passion I miss. The passion I love. The
passion that once was.

Ask my thoughts. Show interest in my feelings. Don’t wait for me to
spill my guts. That’s the boiling point. Inquire before that. Lets read
together, check out others together, people watch together. Lets be
together, and do together, so long as we are together. In return, I’ll
give the same passion back. That’s the passion I miss. The passion I
love. The passion that once was.

On another note

I can understand not having the ability to hear, that makes sense. Deaf
people exist. The question is, how do you teach someone who WON’T
listen? I was told one day to teach love. And I’ve tried. The thing
about teaching is, if your value system, your ethics, your judgement
and/or your morals aren’t , appreciated, respected and trusted, you’re
wasting your breath. If they don’t wanna listen, you’re wasting your
breath. If they are unwilling (not unable) to even entertain (not admit,
not submit, but entertain, no not even consider) the thought that they
could possibly be wrong, or even put themselves in someone else’s
shoes(if only for one step), then all hope for compromise is lost. If
you can’t connect similarities of like situations, there will be no
empathy, or sympathy.

Then there’s now.

I just want the one I appreciate to appreciate me the same way. I want
her attention so bad. She doesn’t realize it. I’ve spent myself into the
ground just to spend 3 hours with her, and it was worth it. I’ve spent
all shit just for her to be happy. My whole months pay just for a 10
second smile. Wtf? I’m so concerned with what she thinks about me, that
even when I know she’s absolutely 100% wrong, it still affects me. I
asked her if she’s longed for someone’s attention, and she said no. I
asked her if she ever valued someones opinion to a very high extent,
and the answer I got told me, “yes (but not you).” And its like, I see
how that’s true, but instead of just saying “fuck it” I say, I’d rather
fight for until she feels that way. I’m fighting a losing battle. But
I’m still fighting. I love her that much. She’ll never admit it, but I
think she loves me so much less that she’s ever loved me. I shed tears
cause I’m trying so so hard to be so perfect for her, but all I
get……is blamed for why shit isn’t . I swear. Every fiber of me says that she’s in love with someone else. That she loves someone more than me. That I’m losing her to another man, but I promised I wouldn’t snoop, so all I can do is take her at her word. But something tells me that if i did, I’d find something that would hurt my soul. I mean, its a 2 way street.
So why does every conversation, every fight, every argument involve her
blaming me? Her saying I’m a problem? Her saying what I need to change?
Its never about her EVER. When I bring it , and say, why don’t we
ever talk about you? Its “us” in the relationship, why don’t we talk
about how “we” need to change instead of how “I” need to? She can only
say “I don’t know.” I mean, does she really not see it? Or does she not
care? I try to talk about shit, and she doesn’t want to. How do you
solve probs without talking about it? I say I wanna get to know you
better, and learn about you, and hear your thoughts and feelings. You’ll
never tell me, but I’m wrong for asking? Wtf? I just don’t get it. I say
you don’t share with me, then you say “I’m gunna keep everything to
myself from now on.” Its almost like, “big deal, you never shared
anyway. You’re just making OFFICIAL now.” And either way, why? Why can’t
you just open  to me? Why can’t you speak to me? What did I do to
you?

And what’s more mind boggling is that how I have a knack for saying
things, then having an example of what I said present itself. Its weird.
Why did I bring it ? Cause many times will I say “you’re doing this
to me. Why? Its not far” and then, for what ever reason(karma/fate)
she’s put in the same situation. She’s on the receiving end. She’s in my
shoes. She shows me that she feels the EXACT same way I did when she did
it to me. This is what tells me that its not weird for me to feel how I
felt. Or react how I reacted. That I wasn’t wrong for my reaction.
Tempted as I am to say “I told you that same shit 2 days ago” or “that’s
how I felt when you did it,” I don’t. I only opt to say “I feel you” or
“I understand the feeling” or “I know how you feel.” She intelligent.
I’d hope shed see what’s going on, and how its the same shit, but I
don’t know if she does. Or if she cares. Or if she does, but its so
programmed into her, that she can’t help it. I’d ask, but then I’d be
wrong. I should just cover my bases and say it anyway.

I’m so sick of being labeled a problem. I’d come at her blaming her the
same way she does me, but 1) she wouldn’t even listen or bother hearing
me out (cause apparently my thoughts don’t matter……..that’s how it
feels) 2)she get mad at me, and pass the blame to me 3)

“THAT’S A FUCKIN SHAME. EVERY FUCKIN CHANCE YOU GET, YOU PISS ME THE
FUCK OFF” – my love

And all I can do is think, “What about when I’m pissed? What about when
you pull rank on me? What about ME, period?”
Shit, that’s like a while back. I was called selfish the other day. How
is it that all the negative shit is associated with me? Honestly, I’ve
made sure that I do everything in my power to keep her happy. The only
time I’ve ever told her I won’t do something, is when I CAN’T do it. But
I’m selfish? To be fair: All I did was ask her why she refused to let
people know I’m selling laptops. Why, unless its her family, she
wouldn’t tell people I’m selling laptops over someone else she knows.
Why she wouldn’t help me make money, and help my hustle (like I’d do for
her). I make it VERY clear that my money is hers when she needs it, AND
when she wants it. So anytime she helps me, she’s helping herself, but
I’m labeled selfish. She won’t ever bring  the fact that I’m giving in
every other aspect of everything. She won’t even take it into
consideration, and say something(to herself) like,”well, he’s always had
a giving attitude, so the one time he asks me to d something isn’t really
asking too much.” Naw, just sees something negative, and speaks on it,
before taking anything else into consideration.

I’m always trying to take a look in the mirror and correct me. Its not
making it any less difficult when you have the one you’re trying to be
better for come  on you for everything you say/do, blaming you for
shit, and treating you like shit, just cause they’re upset. Why can’t
you take a look in the mirror? Why can’t you come  on yourself as
hard as you do on me? Why can’t you come  yourself like I come  on
myself, instead of putting everything on me? My shoulders can only take
so much weight. I’ve been carrying burden since I was 9. Shit, the least
you could do (if you feel like you gotta come  on me) is be a shoulder
I can cry on. Don’t be shoulder and bare the weight with me, but atleast
be a pillar I can rest against every once in a while.

It bothers me when I’m not introduced as “my Boyfriend,” cause it was never that way before. I think I’m losing. i know I’m losing. I could almost drop dead where I stand.

I don’t have friends and foes
I have family and enemies
itsNobi
K.O.R.T.
-4-
Life

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