4/22

"The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of
comfort and convenience, but where he stands at times of challenge and
controversy."

"Faith is taking the first step even when you don't see the whole
staircase."

  "Whatever affects one directly, affects all indirectly. I can never
be what I ought to be until you are what you ought to be. This is the
interrelated structure of reality."

"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that
matter."

"A man who won't die for something is not fit to live.

And then there's this speech
"http://www.salsa.net/peace/conv/8weekconv4-2.html"

All MLK

But Malcolm…. Nobody can give you freedom. Nobody can give you
equality or justice or anything. If you're a man, you take it. -Malcolm
X

I've read these over and over. I try to make these a reality. I believe
them. But, I'm a man who says "eye for an eye…..and the world goes
blind……but I won't let you get away with hurting me."

Naw, I don't wanna hurt niggas, but retaliation is in my blood. I said
I'm trying to be(or atleast I tried to be) on my MLK, Jr. shit, but I
wind (up) being like Malcolm. Even now, the most hanice shit happened
to me, and I'm trying to take it in stride, but there's that other ½
that says, retaliate. I mean, even if we are still on the path of a
happy relationship, its like, meeting hate with hate won't make it
easier. But on the other hand, I know I'm viewed as soft just because I
don't get back at her. I mean, I have the heart to, believe me I do. I
could be bitter, and pull some ultimate revenge shit, but I'm trying to
lead by example, like I've always done. If I can't show her forgiveness,
how I can I expect it back. Even if she deserves whatever bad thing I
could think to do, what will it prove? I suppose its all on what she
thinks. Its gotta be objective. Some people would view me as being a
pushover, some people would view me as a cool nigga with some solid
values, people would view me as a sucker for love, people would view me
as sprung. So its about how she views it. She may genuinely want
forgiveness, and appreciate that I won't try to get her back. She may
expect that I'll get her back, and just accept it when it happens, no
matter when it happens. Iono. Only she knows, and since she's not a
talker, I may never know. I'm just so hurt. A little pissed, but utterly
hurt. I did the (right) thing. I gave all the chances, I put my heart
and soul on the line, but I wasn't appreciated enough to even be "let
go." I was moonlighted on. But, her view that she did the wrong thing,
but for the (right) reasons. I can understand that, but I don't
respect it, and it doesn't make it easier to take. One can argue that if
she really loved me and respected me, and wanted me around, she should
have taken the chance to TELL me, and hope I stayed, instead of not
telling me, and making me do something I wouldn't choose for myself, and
making me the butt of the joke. I will NEVER put myself out there like
that again, period. NEVER. I don't want a gf. An open relationship is
the most I'll do, cause anything else is idiotic. Noone can be trusted.
And those who can be, can't be indefinitely. But I'm trying. I'm trying
to be a mom. I'm trying to forgive no matter the action. Not instantly,
but still. I'm sure I will. I know I'll make her happy, even if it means
I do nothing for her, but what about my happiness? I feel people do
things based on what makes themselves happy. I did that for a while, but
I'm a pleaser. I guess I thought that since I'd make sure another
person's happy, they'd take advantage, and return the courtesy, but
instead, they take it for granted, and leave me ill.

What about me?

"It is dangerous to be sincere, unless you are also stupid" -George
Bernard Shaw

I suppose I'm in a danger zone, then. I've always been in a danger
zone.

I don't have friends and foes
I have family and enemies
itsNobi
K.O.R.T.
-4-
Life

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