Why?

Its been said that those who don't learn from their past are bound to
repeat it.

-so-

Why do I keep repeating a past I've learned from? Have I not learned the
correct thing(s) the 1st four times? I'm so tired. Just so tired. I was
watching a movie (forgot which one; this was a while back….think it
was Evan Almighty), and this character says "If you ask God for
patience, he won't grant you parience, but he'll but you in a position
to earn it." May not be verbatum, but you get the point. If you want
something, you won't "just get it," you'll be tested. You'll be put in
positions where you have to show you want what you asked for.

I find this to be the truth. That comedy had an eye-openner of a quote
for me.

-however-

When I apply that to me now, its like "how do you test a person when
they ask for true love? Or someone to love them genuinely? Or someone to
feel compatible with?"

I mean, other shit I've seen. I've prayed to the heavens to be honest,
and faithful, and (barring a couple of incidents on the honesty tip)
I've been tested and passed. Temptation is a motherfucker, but I can't
throw away the best thing I've had over a quick nut. I can't throw away
what I know is good for me, for what 'might' be better. It could always
be that 'bait-n-switch.' So I've been tested. I feel that I'm a good
man. I commit, and really commit. I treat women with respect. I don't
beat them, no matter what the situation is. I try to uplift, and not put
them (down). I'm open. I'm honest. I tell it like it is when its
needed (and sometimes when its not needed). I'm kinda romantic; I don't
want the love or the lust lost. I take 'em out, my treat. I send
flowers. I try to do what no one else has done. I ask, I find out, I do.
I try to be everything (good) your previous men were not, and try to be
everything (good) they were, too. But I find that this isn't good
enough. And its not like I'm trying to do shit….its just me….

I feel like Chuck, from Goodluck Chuck. (For those who don't know the
premise, anyone he sleeps with finds that there true love is NOT him.
They do, however, find that the next person they are with is their true
love.) I'm looking for it, waiting for it, not looking, and no matter
what, I don't find real love. But everyone else does. And for WHATEVER
reason, its always in an ex. A motherfucking ex. An ex. Seriously, a
fucking ex. WHAT THE FUCK MAN!!!!

And then what's funnier still, is my ex came to me and said how much she
loves me, and how she always has, and how she wants to be with me, and
all that shit. When did she? Hmmmmm, ironically, a week before I found
out my ex had been having a relationship behind my back for 4
months(keep in mind, I had suspected this, apparently when it first
started, and confronted her about it). And what did I tell my ex, "shit
isn't going how I want it to go, but I'm gunna stick this one out. You
know how I am. I'm not gunna just bail on anyone I'm supposed to in a
relationship with." And now she won't so much as talk to me.

That's what the nice guys get. That's what honesty gets you. That's
fucked (up).

But I bet if I had been like other people and tested the waters, and
found someone to be comfy with, outside of my gf "just incase," shit
would have turned out differently……..naw……..cause the chick who
confessed her love obviously didn't mean it anyway, cause she won't
talk…….I would have been in another meanlingless relationship.
Another part of my life where it only means something to me, and me
only. I didn't even say "no" with the hopes that shed wait for my
relationship to end. I didn't say "no" then try to end my current
relationship, or look for reasons. I didn't say "no", but cheat to
finally get some sex out of a 4 month hiatus. I simply said "no." Or
more accurately, I said "no" then tried to make my current situation
better.

I could have cheated. I could have on many occasions. Shit, even my
chick (at the time) tested me. I passed (unbeknownst to me; didn't know
I was tested till weeks after the fact), but was never relieved from
being suspected. For all I know, she tested me many times, and I only
found out about one. In any case, I don't delete message. Check my
personal records, ask anyone I know, search my phonebook, pretend to be
me, etc. Follow me around. Do whatever investigation you want. I'll
help. Government sponsered polygraph? Sure. And I'm being serious. Very
serious. Even now, after the fact. Even though it won't do much in the
way of saving a relationship, I'll do it. I've always been 100. Ever
relationship, 100. Even when trust is lost, who am I to say you won't
learn from what you did? I think you should be given atleast ONE chance
to regain it. You can't be 100 100% of the time. Even I've lied. I've
since admitted it. Some shit admitted when I did. Other shit I've
admitted way after the fact. So I know. You can't be 100 100% of the
time.

Its funny. You treat people like you actually care, and like they mean
something, but they never see it. People are so caught (up) in people
lying to them, that when you are REALLY being sincere, they think you're
fronting. And then niggas who act like they love you; they ones that
fake that shit, are the ones you end (up). Noone would ever believe
I'm being real, or that I'm genuine, or I'm honestly "this way." Noone.
Atleast, until they break it off. Then they see that I'm exactly the
same person I was, even though now I'm not trying to fuck them, or be
with them. When they see me doing the same shit, the same way, even
though I could care less about being with them. When they see I was the
realest shit they've been around, they realize that shit. NEVER before,
always after. That's when it hits them, "maybe he wasn't acting like
that to fuck me, or just look good. Maybe he was being real. He hasn't
changed."

The only difference now is, I won't treat you like my girl. I can't
treat you like my number 1 cause you chose not to be. I can't treat you
like the apple of my eye, or like you're my world, cause you chose not
to be. But I'm still the same. Maybe a little bitter, depending on the
circumstances, but still the same. Can't treat a girl like a queen, if
she's not "my" queen, ya dig.

I'm tired of expecting this shit. Then when I FINALLY let my guard
(down)…….BANG…….same shit. Is that all there is to this
exsistence? Sex, money, feux love, getting cheated on, disappointment.
Repeat. Its like a bad champoo commercial…..And in the worst case
scenerio, you can't repeat cause you get AIDS…..or
herpes…..[º_º]……

I don't have friends and foes
I have family and enemies
itsNobi
K.O.R.T.
-4-
Life

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One Response to Why?

  1. LadieTaz2fly says:

    mmmmm…. mouth full… or should i say heart full!

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