So, I’m laying in bed thinking about the what happened today, and I started getting pissed(by now we know I can’t sleep if I have shit on my mind, or chest). I start thinking about where people’s loyalties lay, and the difference between being comfortable and being loyal.
Like my AAG seems very comfortable with me, but not very loyal. One thing I could never get off my mind was how she’d risk her safety and my safety, & her freedom and my freedom, over some other dude…..some dude that could care less about anything, apparently. She’d do that without being asked, but when I asked for something with consequences a lot less severe, the answer was “I don’t wanna get involved,” even though I had done the requested act for her on many an occasion. If you couple that with the fact that she’s already done the “unforgivable” twice, and its like, “what’s the point in trying?” I see where the loyalties lay. Anyone can say anything, but what they do says so much more. I don’t like that feeling…..its a mix of trust issues (cause I suspect everything is part of some type of deceit….and I have great reason to think that way at this point), and jealousy(again I have all the reason in the world to be). The fact is that, when I was working on getting past it the 1st time, the unforgivable happened. I was willing to let it be, and start fresh, but it happened again….so…….is this the new pattern?
I don’t know if any of this is even worth the stress. Maybe I’m the dumb one. I peeped that I’m still stressing over my All American Girl like she’s still my All American Girl Friend, but I can’t put a finger on why. She doesn’t want to be my gf (and I have very specific thoughts on why she chooses this). She said it herself. She may act like it to a certain extent, but its not 100. She doesn’t even want the title….she said this……but I’m acting like she didn’t say any of that. If she wanted it, she could have had it, but at every turn she’s turned it . So, why am I still stressing so hard? My best friend said it was hope. She said I have an undying amount of hope between us, and that I hope I won’t be taken for granted. She says that since day one I’ve been real (which can only be taken so seriously….its a biased comment, in all honesty. She’s never heard the story from the other side. But still, I know what I’ve been, even without the co-sign)
What she calls hope I call naivety. I’m very naive when it comes to trust and love.
I need to stop treating her like what I want her to be, and treat her how she wants to be treated. Its pretty simple. She wants to be a friend with benefits(fwb), cool. That’s chilling, sucking and fucking. I have a pretty good drive for sex, so that can work. But……wait……she’s NEVER in the mood to suck or fuck (or get licked…..or even touched, lol), so the ‘wb’ comes off. Now we are just friends. Hmmmm, I can’t help but wonder if this was one long plan. Cause this is what she said she had wanted a while back. Are we attracting me with sex, and then cutting the sex out so all we do is spend time together? I hope not. Being be genuinely good person and being pleasant to be around works a lot better than playing with my emotions.
So here’s the thing now, do friends (or fwb’s for that matter) sleep in the same bed? Not with me; my bed is reserved for my gf, only. Do friends (or fwb’s for that matter) stress over stuff like a couple do? Nope; they’re only interested in chilling (and good sex, if the ‘wb’ are attached). Do friends (or fwb’s for that matter) hold hands, and kiss, and share other moments of pda? I seriously fucking doubt it. I don’t think friends or fwb really look like couples to those on the outside looking in.
So there we go. New game plan. I’m not stressing over a girl like a girlfriend who isn’t my girlfriend, nor will I treat a chick like one. Instead of trying to fill my void with someone who’s already admitted that they don’t wanna be in my life the way I’d like them to be, I should just find the person who does want to be in my life the way I’d like them to be.
….and to think, she said it wasn’t about my dick(isn’t that a what an fwb is about?)….
Apparently I’m loyal to fault……like battered women…….or abused puppies….lmfao……why can’t I get that type of loyalty back?………maybe I should beat her……or get another puppy(and beat it)……..HA!…..ltm