…..what’s on my mind, lately……(again)….

I wanna cover a lot, but I don't wanna write a book on it (paradox). I
feel that there are needs and wants in a relationship. Everyone has
different needs, as well as different wants. I think the key is finding
someone who suites your needs as you suite their's. Now the wants are
interesting to look at. I think that changes in wants are what cause ups
and downs. Why? Because if you want something of someone else in a
relationship (especially those long relationships), they just may give
you what you want(s/ups), and then at some point they may stop doing
what you want(s/downs). Because these are wants, they don't matter
very much because they should be satisfying the other's needs.

To be specific, when someone satisfies your needs, they are at (give or
take) 100%, or at least a baseline for you 'perfect' mate. Now after the
needs are met, its about wants. All the wants are the extra things. You
don't need them, but its fantastic to find someone who fulfills your
wants, as well.

Now people may have problems distinguishing their particular needs with
wants, because they may really really want them. And because needs vary
from person to person, its almost impossible to compare all your needs
to another's. Many may overlap, but there are some that are so
personality specific that comparison will only lead to confusion. For
instance, as far fetched as it may seem, one person may need a ♀ who
loves to engage in oral sex, whereas another person may only really want

Only an honest self check can tell you what you really can and cannot
live without(forgetting that a "relationship" isn't a need —somatics).
If you can definitely live without it, then its a want, period.

Wants are very fickle. They change with the days. Needs change too, but
they take an outside for to change them. Car accident may lead to a need
for someone to deal with an affliction or ailment.

Once you say "I need him/her to"(as in personality change), its a wrap.
You don't like them for them, and you need to find someone who suites
you're needs. Don't fool yourself into thinking your wants are needs, or
vice versa.

So why am I thinking about this? Well…..that I don't quite know how to
articulate. If you've been reading for a while, you can connect the

I can only think of how to connect a few for you now…..its prolly the
biggest of the dots anyway……I found a chick who I viewed as perfect,
but then she flipped out on me. She decided that I wasn't what she
wanted anymore. I'm gunna assume the position that never provided her
with what she needed, per se. I provided what I thought she needed, and
what she def needed at the time, but overall…..nope…..I doubt that I
was ever a need of hers. The bad thing is that she met all my needs(or
atleast acted that part out very well), and like all my wants, too. But
no matter what, I couldn't find out what she needed. Only she knows, and
that's how it'll stay, I suppose.


—this kina leads me somewhere else—

I want her so bad (like it matters), and I can't get what I want/need. I
think every adult knows when to cut their loses, and I think its that
time. I wanna give her the benefit of the doubt, and just give her a
chance to prove whatever it is she wants to prove to me, and what I've
asked for her to prove……but…..I just don't have the patience to do
it. I did before when I gave her a chance, and I still did (albeit a lot
less) when I gave her a chance after that. The trend continued for the
next 6 or 7 times she did me dirty, and I've lost patience to the point
that I can't even sit back and be presented the answer to my own
question (assuming that this time I'd ACTUALLY get it).

I'm not 100 (maybe 65-70%, which is still definitively more than 51%),
but I think I just gotta charge it to the game and give  completely.
I'll know for sure soon, but I think that's where I'm headed. Thinking,
conversation, and hindsight will put me at 100% on one side of that
fence, and when I'm 100%, I'll ride that choice out. Not matter what,
I'm not gunna commit to a choice till I'm 100……but that's funny to
me cause I was 100 when I committed to her, and when I gave her chance
after chance, but look where it got me.

"The Simpson's Movie" made a claim that "in every marriage, there comes
a time where you need your spouse to just trust you"(or something to
that general effect), which I find true. However, that applies to any
person(s) you hold dear, or are (supposed to be) close to, in my book. I
suppose my question is, how do you know when that moment is? I may feel
that this moment came and passed…..twice….three times even, but its
not 'really' my call is it? Its the boy who cried wolf, though: when its
really 'that' time that the person is asking for, I'd never know, cause
the fake times sound and look EXACTLY the same. Am I being naive is not
wanting to chance it? I give that benefit to everyone, and only one
person has taken that for granted everytime. I just don't know if I can
continue to reward that act of total disrespect again……sigh…..I'm
so pissed, and so sad……will my real ass bitch, my real love, my
'one' please show herself to me? Please?

…..back to my Naruto manga….

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I have family and enemies

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