Man, I'm really starting to lose sight of whatever it was that I saw in
this girl. I remember her being generous to few, but still generous.
Maybe she didn't really change personalities, per se but changed how she
acts towards people.
I'm seeing her as being real selfish. Don't get me wrong; I've seen her
be selfish, and have called her out on it, cause I don't like that type
of shit in my circle. But now, in hindsight, I see that she's genuinely
not a woman of her word. And what bothers me the most about this shit
is, time and time again, I notice that she is what she says she hates
the most—•"I could never cheat, cause I've been cheated on." And we
are to like 6 times that's she's done it.
•"I hate liers." And she's lied time and time again. ½ the time it
was to mask her cheating, other times its what SHE might consider
'little white lies'(I don't hold those against her) or various lies
about mad other shit.
•"I can't stand people who say they're gunna do shit and don't do it.
I hate when people promise shit and let me ." And yet, that's what
she's done. She wants to work on "us," and then…..we don't. She misses
me and wants to be around me, and we don't (mind you, I gave conditions
on that, but she AGREED to/with them).
What else is there? Does it even matter at this point? Cause really, I'm
so sick of this bullshit. She "punishes" me for my shit, and how she
hates "this", and can't stand "that," and how I need to do "this", and
she's done "that", and how I need to change, and how much she's changed
so much. Bollocks to that. If I haven't changed, or atleast changed to
her liking, so be it. But I know I have my priorities straight, I know
I'm not a fucking let , I know I'm better at being taken at my word
that most people (she knows, and I know), I know I'm loyal to a
fault……a fucking huge fault. And I'm starting to feel that this is
one of those faults….cause regardless of what anyone says, its too
obvious that I'm a fucking metric ton more loyal to her, than she is to
me….maybe I'm waiting on her to change, but I just don't have the
patience (yeah, Al Be Back wrote that, but I'm sure I wrote it
first…..atleast, I wrote it before I heard him say it, lol).
And then she had the nerve to ask if I'd ever, essentially, take her
back, or consider it. And a week later, she's still NOT single. If you
would have read how "unhappy" she is/was, you'd think that she would
have become newly single after typing to me. But naw. Another
lie….another let …..prolly just trying to see if she has someone
in her corner. Or maybe, LIKE ALWAYS, she's just coming to her #2 cause
she's upset, and/or waiting for him to "act"(and I do mean "act") like
he's more interested.
My lip started twitching. Its become obvious that this is my tell for
when I'm extremely stressed…..and when my eyelid starts to do the same
thing, I'm EXTREMELY stressed. Btw, my pinky starts this off when I'm
pissed off. —all on my side…….what does this mean?
I don't deserve this shit. I didn't do shit wrong. But I'm being
punished for my humility, sincerity, and generosity. I just want someone
around who's worth my time…..worth me…..cause she doesn't want to be
that….I wish she would be/could be, but she's making the choice at
every turn NOT to be.
…..to be taken for granted…..
"Shipoopi- the girl who's hard to get"……wonder if that word can be
applied to money, too. Lol. I'm broke.
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