"Mama, I love you, but leave me the fuck alone….until you grow the fuck …."

So I ended  reading the email, and I was . It was an apology. She apologized for wasting my time, and “not receiving” my messages, emails and I’M’s etc. I call shananagins. For one thing, I was there. I got in contact with her before I , and she just refused to me. The other thing is, it is what we agreed to do. I always do what I say I’ll do, so me NOT showing  should have been the surprise, not me showing . Anyway, she didn’t apologize for the dishonesty this time around (surprisingly). She said that when I blew my top, I scared her….oh well….I was scared, too—when my car swerved on the road cause I was blind with rage—when I threw  on the front lawn—when I went to bed, and the room started spinning….there we’re even.

I replied, promptly (the next day, lol), and I told her to save that shit. Pretty and nice words don’t mean shit anymore from. They always seem sincere, but they are always followed by lies. I did my dirt, too. Because of that, I gave chance after chance, but her shit started before I started mine, and it went on well after I stopped. For her to do  by me (for a change), she’d have to actually DO  by me, not just say it. Otherwise, fuck off.

I have to close this chapter in my life (even if its only tentatively) because I gotta practice what I preach. I told her that if she can’t take me and my flaws for what they are, then leave me be. She made it clear that she can’t. She made that clear atleast 10 times this years. That’s once every month and a bloody ½.

If she’s ever back in my life, it won’t be a reopening of this chapter, but a new one with her in it. I’m just gunna do a better job than she did. She opened a new chapter with dude January 2008, without 1st closing the one with me. She doesn’t seem to have a want to close the chapter. And I don’t know what she wants from it, or where she thinks this will go, but I’ve had enough of the games. I need someone who’s on some real shit.

I can’t accept her flaws, now(the lying/dishonesty). I just don’t think she’s capable of telling the truth. And I can’t bother to even associate with someone like that….especially when my hearts involved.

Damn. Just grow . Mature. Act like you…..no…actually gain some damn sense. Have respect for people other than yourself.

Actually, that’s another paragraph worthy thing. She doesn’t have respect for anyone. Not me, not her (new) other interest (Jared), not her roommate, not her mom….anyone. I could imagine what she says about me behind my back. I bet anything I helped her with, or did for her becomes her own doing, ortho doing of someone more accepted by her peers.

I don’t know that she completely understands what she does. I look in awe, sometimes. I see the shit she does that would make people not wanna fuck with her, and wonder why she’s doesn’t get why. She isolates herself from people, not wanted to meet new people and make friends (as I often have encouraged), and she wonders why she has none. When we were together, I’d encourage her to go out with the few girlfriends she did have, but she wouldn’t. She’d rather just isolate herself. Being introverted is fine, but doing so unbeknownst to….oneself….that’s odd(complex)….and the complaints and problems caused by said complex are major issues.

Its sad.

She’s can’t seem to put 1 and 1 together. She’s sad because she makes herself sad. She’s alone because she does things to directly make herself alone. She’s lonely because when people really make an effort to connect, she pushes them away, lies to them, uses them, and cheats on them. She’s victimizes herself. If its not by directly blaming others for the shit does or experiences, then its by doing shit whose later consequences she can’t take ownership for.

I peeped this a long time ago, but she wouldn’t listen.

As a matter of fact, she said I was being too hard on her. I have(had) her best interests in mind. I push towards getting her shit straight, and keeping her head . Now she’s with some dirtbag nigga who doesn’t even know what he want, or even has the drive to do anything productive….and yes, this is based off of what SHE’S said, and complained about. But I gotta wonder how true that really is. Is it that bad? I know he’s not all that accomplished, but is it ‘that’ bad? How bad of a person am I when she retells our life to other people?

So I needed closure. I made a call, and asked about the pregnancy scare she lied about halfway thru our 1st year. I asked, “who were you almost pregnant by?” and the resulting conversation follows:

Alesia: Wow. You couldn’t have text that to me?

Alesia: Or messaged me that?

Nobi: What does it matter, Alesia?

Alesia: Fine. Bye

Nobi: Did it really matter which way I used to ask that question?

Nobi: I didn’t think so. Bye then

Nobi: I’m just curious how you thought you were pregnant by me, but at that time, we hadn’t had sex for months

Nobi: So you would have been showing by that time, not just taking a home pregnancy test. So who was it?

Nobi: You see? This. This is why I didn’t message it.

Nobi: I just want some closure before the new year, but its fine if I don’t get it. Deuces.

Alesia: I’m being honest with you right now. I wasn’t doing anything with anybody else during that time. And when I asked her, it wasn’t during the time I thought I could have been pregnant

Nobi: You’re exact words were “how did you know you was pregnant? I think I might be, but it might be to early to take a test.” And that’s july 31st. Its was atleast 2½ months since we did anything

Nobi: August 1st, “I guess I’ll just wait awhile longer to take another one then lol.”

Nobi: That wasn’t when you thought you could be pregnant?

Alesia: I asked during that time because that’s when I found out she was pregnant. I didn’t know anybody else during the time I thought I might have been pregnant

Alesia: And I worded it that way because I didn’t want her ALL in my business. I didn’t want to tell her what the deal was

Nobi: Then why didn’t you say anything to me? I very vividly remember you telling me that even a pregnancy scare is something too important to keep a secret from your bf

Alesia: dk. I didn’t want to scare you

Nobi: Didn’t want to scare me? How fucked up does that look? I was scared for months, cause you would say shit about it. I kept hinting at it. You kept saying how tired and sick you felt, but you wouldn’t say shit. I couldn’t even get you to tell me there might be a chance that we were pregnant. I really couldn’t get you to tell me anything about you at all, huh? Nothing special, miniscule, or important, huh? Ok

Nobi: You know what? Its fine. I got my closure. I don’t think there is anything else left up in the air for me. Enjoy your life.

Now, I don’t think I really believe it. I don’t know. Its “closure-able.” Why? Cause its better than the “I don’t know what you’re talking about,” and the “I never had a pregnancy scare.” And keep in mind, this is AFTER I showed her where SHE TYPED the shit I quoted in the conversation. And what I showed was a PICTURE of what she typed. She also tried to say it was a misquote/misunderstanding. This time around, I get the “truth.”

This explanation almost makes sense, which is as close as I ever get. So I’m choosing to accept it. I still don’t get the “I didn’t want her in my business,” comment. I was lost there. Cause saying you’re preggers doesn’t mean you have to explain everything about it…..she was only asking how she knew for sure.

Now that this chapters done, what will I write about?

I told the witch doctor— “Oo ee oo ah ah ting tang walla walla bing bang”

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