….I've decided that putting myself out there is the worst shit even.
You try to talk about shit, and people don't wanna be bothered with what
you have to say; they don't wanna answer what you have to ask; they
don't wanna ask you about shit. You tell people shit, and hope they are
on your page; you are on their page; you can both get on the same page.
You share your thoughts and hope they can relate. Maybe you do
something. You try to let your actions speak, and in turn they give you
hints and clues in their body language or speech or jargon that pulls
the rug out from underneath you. But sometimes they say the exact
opposite of what you want to hear, wish you could hear, or need to
hear……sometimes they say something that snubs you……Or
worse…..they don't say anything at all.
I used to think it was a 50/50 thing. A "yes" or "no," but there's the
chance that they say nothing, or "maybe," or some other indefinite, and
there are many grey areas in between. You're actually less likely to get
a "yes" than anything else.
So right now, I'm making a promise to never deal with that shit again.
I'm not gunna do or say anything that can get me rejected. I'm so sick
of the feeling. I won't lean in for the 1st kiss, say ILuvU 1st, reach
out to shake hands 1st, say hi 1st, hold hands 1st, suggest any out
goings 1st, volunteer 1st, offer shit 1st, come see you 1st, etc. If you
don't come to me with a proposition it won't happen. Noone is gunna take
advantage of me again…..and in the case that you don't, I won't 'feel'
that way either. I just won't allow shit to happen anymore. I'm too
sensitive emotionally to keep allow this to keep happening. Chances are
I just feel this way, and people don't do me as bad as I see it, but
still, I feel this way, and don't like it.
So lets see:
•I'm gunna do what makes me happy
•I'm not gunna pretend I don't see/know/notice the way people
treat/react to me.
•I'm gunna stop forcing my way in people's lives(or feeling like it)
•I'm gunna start doing shit based on people's clues and hints
•I'm not sticking my neck out there to get chopped anymore.
I'm sure there is shit I missed. I need to reread my old post to see
what else I'm not doing that I said I would. What use is a realization
if you never use them? This is why its all written. And YES I actually
do go, and have gone back to read my post, and learn from myself. I
learn from me all the time…..even during retrospectives.
Side note: I'm gunna start categorizing my entries now, soon. I finally
see the use of it, now.
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I don't have friends and foes
I have family and enemies