….Lost….

I'm just so lost. I can't talk to her, cause anything I say makes her
uncomfortable…..(but apparently this only happens when it has to do
with my feelings, her feelings, us having a relationship or sex)…..I
apparently hug too tight……I can grope, kiss her body, suck a tity,
and even kiss her vag, but can't kiss her lips. I can't get her to touch
me for anything in world. I have no idea how she feels about me,
because, again, she feels uncomfy talking to me about such
things….(keep in mind that I can't stress "me" enough, cause she'll
talk to other niggas she's been with about it, and bare her soul to the
bitch she's been with)….can't ask her cause I won't get an answer
other than "I don't know."

Ooooo……I'm helping her……keep her shit together, stay afloat. And
because of this, I'm now welcome to spend the night. Cause before I made
the offer to help, she wasn't "ready for that." (I might note that the
1st couple of times I spent the night, she always made it a point to let
me know that she still WASN'T "ready for anyone to spend the
night"……so why was I even there?—I would have asked, but when I
wanna talk, people get uncomfy…because *I'm* doing it.)

Now there is a lien on my whip, and……..I'm still lost. I'm not
saying that by now I'm entitled to some loving, but I'd think I'd get
something…..well, I did…..because I thought our feelings were
mutual…..I thought it was "we are still in love with each other, AND
love each other like nobody's business." She's just on a rebound 
now. But I'm feeling like we are only where we are because I'm
constantly making the 1st move, and doing shit to help her keep her
place. She was about to use her ex bf to stay afloat, even if she had to
straight play him…..and then she'd leave him after she got what she
wanted….I can't help but wonder if when I said, "no, I don't wanna see
you put yourself out there like that. I'll help, if only to keep you
from doing that," that she's now gunna do me that way. Use me to get
straight, then move on….can't help but wonder…..it already feels
like I'm buying my way into her life….her house….her bed….can't
and wouldn't wanna buy my way into her heart….but I don't even know
what's real anymore….I don't even know what to think….I don't even
know what to feel….I just know I'm trying to do what my heart says.

I know, I should be doing what the brain says, like I said I would, but
its hard to. Atleast, I can stop doing all the 1st's, and see where this
goes. Time to look and listen. My mouth's shut.

What should all this be telling me?
Cause I'm obviously ignoring something….(for the better?)

On my Zen Buddhist shit….(^_^)—>(¬_¬)

http://DaKORT.ning.com -Music Lovers Unite!! Join Us. Its FREE!!!
I don't have friends and foes
I have family and enemies
itsNobi
K.O.R.T.
-4-
Life

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