…….I don’t need to be here, (right) now…..

……playing in bed gets carried away, and two dreads get torn out by
accident. Cool. Shit happens. I’m not trying to sweat it. Dreads come out,
and can be reattached with little to backfire. When I ask for the person
to do this, its an “are you serious?” moment. Its an “I said no” moment.
That makes me, #1, figure out a way to reattach 1 of the 2 lost dreads,
and, #2, sit and steam and view this relationship in retrospect: for one
thing, this situation, like many others, leads to something that I feel
an apology is owed. Not saying that this will be like all the other
situations where I didn’t get one, but I figure (as per precedent) that
since I didn’t get one at 1st, I won’t. This makes me think about how
much I give and help, and try to give and try to help. I give her shit
when I literally don’t have it. I’m always at the very least trying to
do shit for her, and trying to do it (right) (by my standards,
realistic standards, and her’s).God forbid if I’m a little late, or
unable to accomplish a goal that she asked for. God forbid if I’m a
little late, or unable to accomplish a goal that we are supposed to be
embarking on together. God forbid if I’m a little late, or unable to
accomplish a goal that I volunteered. She carries on like I’m the worst
person ever; like I really let her (down) (just as she expected);
like its the end of the world. But I try to overlook that shit, and just
be positive, and continue trying my best to please, appease, and be a
good friend, bf(even though we are not currrently together—maybe we’ll
end (up) back together, but who knows), and person.


Let me ask her for something. Its always an issue for her. I’m asking
her to make a phone call to help me get what she proved she could easily
get. I’m having trouble……its always, “you should have asked me
earlier.” This is for a 20 min convo…..no matter when I ask, its, “ask
me later” or “I’ll do it” or “I’ll do it later” or “you should have
asked me earlier.”
I don’t wanna walk around with my dread in my pocket, feeling fucked
(up) (….since I like my hair…..) and looking worse than before
(….since the dreads came out the front….) and she refuses. And for
some reason, after I figured out I couldn’t get them both in, I ACTUALLY
sat and started trying to find a way to excuse it.

“She’s tired”—but even though she said that, she finished the sentence
saying how she wasn’t ready to goto sleep yet. She starts playing
footsie. She wrestles for the comforter. She’s mad talkative.

How can I do this to myself? I don’t see how I’m anything more
than…….iono……I’m not fucking her…..I would have said
dick……..I’m just a source of money and entertainment.

I told her the other night that I find that I keep having to find ways
to make myself believe she even really likes me……and its shit like
this that forces me to feel that way.

I’m just a stepping stone…..again.
I’m just making her laugh….again.
I’m just here…….again.

What is this?

Its just a fuck Nobi attitude…..a fucking, “you’re a burden” essence
when I have a problem. Doesn’t matter if its 0%, 50%, or 100% (or any
percent in between) caused by her.

I didn’t even get an “I’m sorry.” I waited. I thought for sure that
since she REFUSED to put my hair back together, I’d atleast get, “I know
we were playing together, but I’m sorry for ripping them out.” A small
token like, “I didn’t mean to do that.” A minimal, “my bad.” But
naw……..I don’t know how to feel anymore.

Its funny how so much small shit just adds (up). You don’t
notice….or just overlook it for so long…..then when you look back at it, you just feel dumb, look like a dumbass asshole, and are (left)
with nothing to show for it but life lessons, heartache, insecurities,
and blue balls.

I’m sick of this game. This love shit is for the birds. I can’t even get
a chick to love me back. If I fuck a bitch, that’s all she wants. Help
her out, that’s all she wants. Give her my heart and soul, and she’s
not interested. What do any of you want?

….trying to make sure I keep my car….

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I don’t have friends and foes
I have family and enemies

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