I said I wouldn’t but….

I’m drawn to this the same way I am to you. I had a conversation with my best friend today. This girl knows me so well, its scary. We think EXACTLY the same. I mean, the only reason we bring things up to each other is to make sure we are on the same page. if I think something, she just substantiates it. so, sometimes, when I’m blinded by something, and I have a thought of whats “right” I don’t say mention it to her, because when I do……..i KNOW whats right from wrong, and I’ll have to act on it proper. I hate leaving her out the loop, but sometimes my ignorance is bliss, you know?

i don’t connect with everyone on all levels. I almost do with my cousin, but he only just fell hard in love, so I don’t tell him everything about how I feel. But Ms. Allen? I guarantee that if we ran an identical maze at the same time, we would be at the same spot whenever someone checked.

I love that connection. I don’t necessarily want her, or someone like her, but I want that type of connection. It would be that much better to have that connect with her, and find someone else to be my girl and we all get along. I find that I don’t want friends unless they are really close. I only want friends I cant live without. that’s why my signature says that “i don’t have friends….i have family.”

To think that I could be so close to someone who lives so far away blows my mind. And to top it off, I see her, on average, once a year. Since I’ve known her, we have been face to face maybe a total of 10 times. And to put that in contrast, I’m in love with a female who I see everyday, and I don’t understand her. we connect on a shit load of levels, too, but somethings we just don’t. and its cool. we, actually, connect in ways that I don’t connect with other people. if I had to number it, and say 5 connections are average, they both have 25 connections each….share 20….and differ in 5……this is just for the sake of argument.

I connect with Alesia in such a beautiful way, so it sucks that those few connections we don’t have hinder us so bad. whats more is, I know what they are….well, say 3 of them….and all I need is for her to tell me what the other 2 are…..but get this…..one of the connections we are missing…..that I know about….has to do with her being 100% open with me…..so that immediately stops me from knowing what I need to know to get past it.

this puzzle is big…..BIG…..and she gives me stuff in bits and pieces……I’m trying to get the picture, but I don’t know what it looks like….and these pieces are small. I do shit to try to find other pieces, but I either get the wrong pieces, or she tells me that I have the wrong pieces, or I get nothing.

to put it another way, I’m trying to pick a very delicate lock, and when anything is jarred, I have to start over….and I’m not promised that the lock will reset the same way.

Iono why I’m saying all this….i don’t know how to link this to the point I originally had in mind.

I had a conversation with my friend, about the girl I’m in love with….and…..it turned out how I thought it would…..but it also didn’t turn out how I thought it would. she asked me a series of questions that I didn’t expect her to. I mean, I ‘kinda’ did, but it shocked me. I mean, yeah, I said we think the same way, and dissect things the same way, and come to the same conclusion, but this surprised me…..it was verbatim what Ive been thinking…….and it happens a lot, but this time it just surprised me. iono why……or how to explain it……i guess its like, no matter how well someone knows you, you think there is something they wont be able to hit on, but she did. shes the female me.

when I look at Alesia, I see me, too. but I see me from YEARS ago….and I see how I would have been had I not….iono…..had shit not changed…..had I not had at least one person to say the right shit at that exact moment. like, “I would have said that had it not been for that one conversation.” And whats more is, some of my changes have been because of her. and its not what you think. I didn’t see her do something negative and say “ill never do that,” it was on some real shit. like we had a conversation, and she said, “this is a bad quality to have,” so I respected that shit, and did something about it. then, one day, someone else says, “you’ve changed for the better.” its followed by, “find someone else to be with.” then I’m confused, cause I cant ever get them to believe its because of her I changed. and then, I don’t get why when I try to do the same thing, she doesn’t care. She saves every email Ive ever sent her like it means something to her, but nothing I say is worth her even listening to, or caring about.

I deleted the emails once, and she damn near died. why? what difference does it make? you don’t read them. you don’t do anything it says in them. you don’t take shit I say to heart. you’ve never typed more than a paragraph to me about how you feel. so what is it?

and like always, everything ends with “ill do you the favor of just leaving you alone” and I keep saying, the real favor would be being honest, and being open, and being less hard headed. but that’s her being hard headed. Ive chased her for 3 years, and for what? she always wants to leave. and then, when I don’t really chase her, shes calls me to ask me why I gave “up so easily this time.” I gave my 1 million percent, and you always wanna leave so bad, so I was just letting you go. you obviously know something I don’t. And to me it says, “i cant stop lying to you. I cant be open with you. I cant etc….”

I want you so bad. the best things about you are so good. I run with some of the bad things. all I ever wanted was for you to stop doing shit to me. lie to me, cheat on me. I mean, everyone has their ways, so I was prepared for that shit. I dealt with it. cause I have my ways. but you would do shit that people who love people don’t do…..and I dealt with it……I shouldn’t have. I should have left you, and forgot about you. I should have done a lot of shit. I should have saved my heart, and my cash, and my feelings, and my time typing shit, and my breath, and my love for someone who cared more. I should have saved it all. my gas, my food, my laughs, my jokes, my jealousy, even my dishonesty. I should have save my sneaky ass hacking and snooping for someone who gave a shit. but I didn’t. I didn’t. cause even though YOU NEVER CARED, I did. I cared so much, that I fooled myself into thinking that you did.

maybe you do.

maybe you’re really confused.

maybe you need to do some maturing…..more maturing….

maybe still need that epiphany……..

iono…..

so I’m writing this because I had this conversation that made me cry….it made me cry about shit I said I refused to. but it hit me hard. and it hit me hard cause I really care. convo is as follows:

10:03:39 AM ladie_2fly: dude! wheres my car?
10:03:48 AM itsnobi: lol
10:03:49 AM ladie_2fly: and my friend?
10:09:21 AM itsnobi: howve you been?
10:09:49 AM ladie_2fly: ok.. really enjoying this semester soo far
10:09:53 AM ladie_2fly: 3rd day!
10:09:55 AM ladie_2fly: lol
10:10:08 AM itsnobi: whats been happening to make you enjoy it so?
10:10:48 AM ladie_2fly: the classes in general i dont think will stress me out
10:10:54 AM ladie_2fly: the teachers are cool
10:11:00 AM ladie_2fly: i dont live on campus
10:11:09 AM ladie_2fly: and i have a car..
10:11:16 AM itsnobi: OHHHH
10:11:18 AM ladie_2fly: no gas but a car none the lss
10:11:21 AM ladie_2fly: less
10:11:22 AM itsnobi: cool
10:11:24 AM itsnobi: lol
10:11:26 AM ladie_2fly: lol
10:11:42 AM ladie_2fly: and im taking an african world studies class
10:12:31 AM ladie_2fly: which you know is right up my alley
10:13:35 AM itsnobi: hell yeah
10:13:43 AM itsnobi: im broke
10:13:45 AM itsnobi: so broke
10:13:51 AM ladie_2fly: lol.. hush dont agree with me that much!
10:13:59 AM ladie_2fly: awww no job?
10:15:18 AM itsnobi: just one
10:15:21 AM itsnobi: on the weekends
10:15:32 AM itsnobi: but i all my money is going to pay off debts
10:15:45 AM itsnobi: im in debt cause of ol girl, you know
10:15:48 AM itsnobi: i fucked up
10:15:54 AM ladie_2fly: wait…..
10:15:57 AM ladie_2fly: what?
10:16:01 AM ladie_2fly: !!!!!!!!!!!!!
10:16:12 AM ladie_2fly: when did this happen.. and why?
10:16:30 AM itsnobi: she was behind on rent, cause her roomie skipped out
10:16:46 AM itsnobi: so my dumbass took out a title loan, to catch her up on
that shit
10:17:35 AM itsnobi: right after i did that shit, she got demoted from her job
10:17:40 AM itsnobi: then fired
10:17:47 AM itsnobi: and thats right when i get laid off
10:18:04 AM ladie_2fly: whoa.. this happen recently?
10:18:20 AM itsnobi: month and a half
10:18:40 AM ladie_2fly: wow
10:18:42 AM ladie_2fly: well
10:18:54 AM ladie_2fly: hopefully money will help you remeber
10:19:07 AM ladie_2fly: SIMBA… REMEMBER…..
10:21:00 AM ladie_2fly: :((
10:21:03 AM itsnobi: but there is hope, though
10:21:08 AM ladie_2fly: yeah..
10:21:12 AM itsnobi: iono what draws me to her
10:21:13 AM ladie_2fly: thats all we can have
10:21:19 AM ladie_2fly: debt
10:21:21 AM ladie_2fly: lol
10:21:28 AM ladie_2fly: heartache
10:21:30 AM itsnobi: and im sure this wont be the last encounter
10:21:35 AM ladie_2fly: dissapointment
10:21:43 AM ladie_2fly: ya know the usual
10:21:50 AM ladie_2fly: good guy bad girl stuff
10:23:40 AM itsnobi: i suppose
10:23:47 AM itsnobi: im so sick right now
10:23:52 AM itsnobi: withdrawl
10:24:03 AM ladie_2fly: OH GAWD… SPARE ME
10:24:15 AM itsnobi: youre supposed to care
10:24:20 AM ladie_2fly: GET YO SELF TOGETHER!
10:24:24 AM ladie_2fly: I DO
10:24:24 AM itsnobi: no matter how stupid it was for me
10:24:43 AM ladie_2fly: Im talking about this moping and ish…
10:25:10 AM ladie_2fly: its like… youre losing yourself.. in her
10:25:36 AM itsnobi: that doesnt sound bad
10:25:46 AM itsnobi: i lose myself in everyone i love
10:25:51 AM ladie_2fly: uhhhh yes the hell it does!
10:25:56 AM itsnobi: have you seen us together?
10:25:58 AM ladie_2fly: nonononono
10:25:59 AM itsnobi: you do too
10:26:02 AM ladie_2fly: lol
10:26:10 AM ladie_2fly: i love you back!
10:26:16 AM ladie_2fly: there is a difference
10:26:20 AM ladie_2fly: sometimes
10:26:22 AM ladie_2fly: lol
10:27:08 AM itsnobi: lol
10:27:12 AM itsnobi: well……
10:27:21 AM itsnobi: “the difference is_____”
10:28:00 AM ladie_2fly: i wont do things to my kowledge that i know will hurt.. or lie to you
10:28:13 AM ladie_2fly: and i know you wont do the same to me
10:28:29 AM ladie_2fly: i give as much as i take..
10:28:50 AM ladie_2fly: at least you havent brought it to my attention if i dont
10:29:11 AM itsnobi: hmmm
10:29:21 AM ladie_2fly: yes…
10:29:30 AM itsnobi: i always have to wonder if she realizes that does this shit
10:29:43 AM itsnobi: i dont think its something premeditated
10:29:44 AM ladie_2fly: yeah she does
10:30:01 AM ladie_2fly: but therre is noooooo consequence
10:30:01 AM itsnobi: then she doesnt have respect for her dad, either
10:30:14 AM itsnobi: and she LOVES her dad
10:30:22 AM itsnobi: there is no mistake on that one
10:30:32 AM itsnobi: but she did the same shit to him recently
10:30:35 AM ladie_2fly: sooo where was he when her rent was due?
10:30:41 AM ladie_2fly: oh ok…
10:30:46 AM ladie_2fly: well then
10:30:54 AM itsnobi: when i spoke to him, he says he gave her two loans
10:30:59 AM ladie_2fly: what makes you different or better?
10:31:05 AM itsnobi: and it set his wedding back
10:31:06 AM ladie_2fly: wow
10:31:21 AM ladie_2fly: yeah.. deliberate
10:31:36 AM ladie_2fly: diliberately SELFISH!
10:31:41 AM itsnobi: maybe im still under the spell, but im biased
10:31:45 AM itsnobi: i think its just that
10:31:48 AM itsnobi: i think its just that
10:31:52 AM itsnobi: shes selfish
10:31:56 AM itsnobi: and head strong
10:32:13 AM ladie_2fly: LOVE ISNT SELFISH ANDREW!!!!!
10:32:21 AM itsnobi: she sets a goal, and is completely consumed by it
10:32:30 AM ladie_2fly: read the Bible!
10:32:43 AM ladie_2fly: as well as other people
10:32:51 AM ladie_2fly: its HER goal
10:33:01 AM itsnobi: when she moved out, she moved in with someone WE both knew could not be trusted, but she did it anyway
10:33:04 AM ladie_2fly: you were not her MAN!
10:33:15 AM itsnobi: just to get out the house
10:33:18 AM ladie_2fly: sooooo no Obligation
10:33:26 AM itsnobi: true
10:33:33 AM ladie_2fly: i dont care why….
10:33:37 AM ladie_2fly: the point is…
10:33:44 AM ladie_2fly: its a repeated action…
10:33:48 AM ladie_2fly: toward you
10:33:54 AM ladie_2fly: uncertainty
10:34:01 AM ladie_2fly: unloyal
10:35:28 AM ladie_2fly: mean she has nothing to loose!
10:35:39 AM itsnobi: we fall into the same roles when we are together
10:35:48 AM ladie_2fly: i dont care
10:36:01 AM ladie_2fly: youre gonna fall to the irs!!!
10:36:06 AM ladie_2fly: IRS@
10:36:17 AM ladie_2fly: and will she be around,…
10:36:32 AM ladie_2fly: lets say it all together class… “NOOOOOOOOOOO”
10:36:41 AM ladie_2fly: her own father?
10:36:58 AM ladie_2fly: did she say she was goin to pay you back..
10:37:10 AM itsnobi: yeah, she did when she had the means to
10:37:17 AM ladie_2fly: or did you do it out of the kindness of your heart..
10:37:31 AM ladie_2fly: sooo shes never goin to work again?
10:37:39 AM itsnobi: but when i ask a couple of days ago, she refuses to answer
10:37:39 AM ladie_2fly: whats that mean?!
10:37:47 AM ladie_2fly: 😐
10:37:54 AM ladie_2fly: youre pissing me off
10:38:10 AM ladie_2fly: shes a you know what..
10:38:17 AM ladie_2fly: i dont like her
10:38:51 AM ladie_2fly: mostly because she contributes nothing positive in your life…
10:39:01 AM ladie_2fly: accept good head and a nut…
10:39:10 AM ladie_2fly: and maybe a laugh
10:39:30 AM ladie_2fly: what goals has she helped you reach?
10:39:41 AM itsnobi: …….
10:39:52 AM ladie_2fly: how does she encourage you
10:40:07 AM itsnobi: ….
10:40:36 AM itsnobi: the only encouragement i really get is when it involves her goals
10:40:43 AM ladie_2fly: mmmmm
10:41:08 AM ladie_2fly: and youre telling me.. you think she loves YOU
10:41:23 AM ladie_2fly: not the dick not the face… not the locks..
10:41:33 AM ladie_2fly: but YOU
10:41:49 AM ladie_2fly: your writing your determination
10:41:52 AM ladie_2fly: your love
10:41:59 AM ladie_2fly: your honestly
10:42:06 AM ladie_2fly: *honesty
10:42:17 AM ladie_2fly: your humor
10:42:32 AM ladie_2fly: your random grape oda…
10:42:35 AM ladie_2fly: *soda
10:42:52 AM ladie_2fly: when youre hurt can she comfort you
10:43:10 AM ladie_2fly: can you talk to her and actually feel better afterwards…
10:43:10 AM itsnobi: shes been trying to lately
10:43:27 AM ladie_2fly: oh thats why she didnt answer your question
10:43:32 AM ladie_2fly: trying…
10:43:37 AM ladie_2fly: she has to try
10:43:49 AM ladie_2fly: after all this time?
10:44:05 AM ladie_2fly: after everything youve done with and for her
10:44:11 AM ladie_2fly: no strings
10:44:37 AM ladie_2fly: she has to TRY to care about what you need and want from a woman…
10:44:55 AM ladie_2fly: OK… if thats what you deserve.. then…
10:45:15 AM itsnobi: it sucks so hard to have such a great connection with someone
10:45:19 AM ladie_2fly: <:-P
10:45:19 AM itsnobi: or feel that way
10:45:33 AM itsnobi: and it doesnt really benefit both parties equally
10:45:56 AM ladie_2fly: ……….
10:46:06 AM itsnobi: im happy around her
10:46:13 AM itsnobi: im happy talking to her
10:46:24 AM itsnobi: but in hindsight, im always broke around her
10:46:27 AM itsnobi: or in debt
10:46:31 AM ladie_2fly: lol
10:46:41 AM itsnobi: or being repremanded by someone
10:46:47 AM itsnobi: i love her so much
10:46:48 AM ladie_2fly: lol
10:46:56 AM ladie_2fly: yeah i figured that
10:48:06 AM itsnobi: ive shed so many tears for this girl, and when i think about it, she hasnt cried for me in years
10:48:14 AM itsnobi: ive asked
10:48:17 AM ladie_2fly: mmmmm
10:48:23 AM itsnobi: “whens the last time you cried?”
10:48:29 AM ladie_2fly: ummmm\
10:48:40 AM itsnobi: i know who she cried for last, and when
10:48:43 AM itsnobi: it wasnt me
10:48:52 AM itsnobi: i was in the picture, but it wasnt me
10:49:10 AM itsnobi: you know what it feels like to cry for someone who wont cry for you?
10:49:34 AM ladie_2fly: ummmm yeah.. a little
10:50:01 AM itsnobi: so what i did was tell myself, i wont cry for her again
10:50:08 AM itsnobi: not until she cries for me
10:50:22 AM itsnobi: i told myself i wont TRY to get her
10:50:27 AM itsnobi: or TRY to chase her
10:50:29 AM ladie_2fly: yeah…
10:50:31 AM itsnobi: until she does it
10:50:39 AM ladie_2fly: then what…
10:50:39 AM itsnobi: ill just be around
10:51:07 AM itsnobi: then you told me the same thing a fucking “does she love me” test told me
10:51:24 AM itsnobi: then you told me the same shit i was telling myself before i took the damn thing
10:51:34 AM itsnobi: and now im crying
10:51:43 AM itsnobi: no sobbing
10:51:47 AM itsnobi: but i cant see
10:51:49 AM ladie_2fly: awwww baby]
10:52:24 AM ladie_2fly: do you love yourself?
10:52:33 AM itsnobi: i think i do
10:52:40 AM itsnobi: but i dont really know
10:52:41 AM ladie_2fly: mmm tisk
10:53:00 AM ladie_2fly: thats where you need to start
10:53:03 AM itsnobi: ive been trying to do right by this girl so long, i dont rememeber my own standards
10:53:10 AM ladie_2fly: yeah
10:53:24 AM itsnobi: i feel like im worth as much as she acts like i am
10:53:31 AM itsnobi: i actually feel empty
10:53:36 AM ladie_2fly: on that note…
10:53:39 AM itsnobi: and that i havent accomplished shit
10:53:48 AM ladie_2fly: im goiin to have to think on that…
10:53:55 AM ladie_2fly: ill be back
10:53:58 AM itsnobi: ok

I sure my friend will forgive me for posting it….if it bothers her. My friend Shay, would have said something similar…..the quote that sticks in my head from her is, “I dont like people who treat good people like shit.”

but what I know is, I did more for you than I have ever done for anyone. friends, gf, anyone. I gave you anything I could, and even when I didnt have it, I did it anyway. I just wanted you happy, and wanted you to love me. everything I did, I did because I thought it would help you out. not US, but YOU. I figured that if you did the same thing, WE would be good. I dont live with you, but when YOUR rent was due, the question I asked was “What are WE gunna do about it.”

Love will make you suffer with someone when you dont have to. Love makes you cry for those who wont cry for you. Love does a lot. Love makes you feel invinsible. Love makes you want to prove it. Love makes you hunger go away. Love is that drug that makes everything except for love not matter. I just wanted to be loved back. Thats it. I hope you really learn what love is about one day.

my friends dont wanna talk to me as much, and I cant really blame them. half of them are my friends because we get along so well, and they are some real bitches [pardon]. we were dating, or about to start dating, and the stepped aside because they know im still in love. or they see shorty and see that WE are still in love.

and when I think about it……Joe Budden was absolutely right…..who can anyone really be mad with? I dont know everything about you I wanna know, but I know enough to make proper choices. the same is true with you. you know enough about me. My friends dont have too much to be upset over…unless its with me. this is a mutual agreement. we chose each other. the thing, though, im most upset over is: you make me think youre choosing something youre not, and you change your choices without letting me know. hmmmm, I guess ppl can get mad over that…..so it does lead me back to our connections……and the realest favor you could do for me…….be open and honest…..sigh……im about to go drink before work…..hopefully ill sober up in time it…..cant find the silver lining, find the grey one.

Is it wrong to say that I would give it another try?….maybe……I think that my true love may be an old one……maybe not her…..but an old love…….but then again…..I would be surprised if it were her…..

Back to an old quote. Oldie but a goodie:

Maybe someday, my presence in someone’s present will be treated
like…..a present……(lol, I guess.)…..I’m not looking back to my
past, so if you want to be in my future, catch !!!™

Advertisements
This entry was posted in Uncategorized. Bookmark the permalink.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s